if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Where are you guys?
Drunk
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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