It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
