I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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