Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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