All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
