My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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