How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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