I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
