New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
