Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
