This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
