I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
