Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
