woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
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Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.