I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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