You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
