tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
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