Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My vagina just clenched in fear
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
