I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
