Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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