I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
