Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
