Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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