and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
