I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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