I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
