Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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