Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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