I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles