Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?