Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.