My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
