I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
