When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
