You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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