laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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