and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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