i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
