I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
