So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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