Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
