just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
