Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I forget how to act sober
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
