You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
