what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
