Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
