I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
