New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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