Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
