So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
