Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
