The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I looked at my own cervix.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
