I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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