last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
