Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
