I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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