chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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