My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
