I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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