the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize