I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
