he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
